lose some to win some

3 months notice?? 3 whole months??!! Can I say I don't want it???

Erm.... I can't say I'm estatic. But I don't have a good enuf reason to be upset too. Besides, it's generally accepted as "good news". It's just hard to feel positive when you're sleep deprived, when you've got nothing but work and deadlines on your mind, and every damn dusty thing is getting sucked into your lungs coz the nasal passage is blocked for the past 2 days.

Not feeling very articulate at all.

Today I got called to the boss' room, again. What could it be this time? I scrambled for my notebook and tried my darnest to remember all the key deadlines of projects under my care.

"Here you go, your letter." Oh.

"Heh, I thought you were gonna give me more work."

"Well, that will come. With this, you gotta work harder now." You mean I haven't been working hard enuf?? There must be something in the law that says it's a crime if a person put in an X amount of time in the office. An abnormally excessive X amount.

"But I HAVE been working hard since late last year." OK, on second thoughts I shouldn't have said that. Tongue faster than brain... it's a flaw I cannot fix. I sound like a whiner. She smiled. I wonder what it meant. Is that an acknowledgement? Or a "you'll see" smirk?

All I really really want now is to jet away to some island which is so extremely isolated from civilization that there's no cellular coverage or internet access. Must have DVD player tho coz I'm bringing along my Grey's Anatomy collection. I'll wear only boardshort, bikini top and flip flop all day every day and learn to surf. When I'm hungry I'll walk along the stretch of beach cafes and enter whichever establishment that strikes my fancy. I'll order pina coloda and read Haruki Murakami and Milan Kundera and Kiran Desai. Yes, ALL of them. When night falls, I'll gaze up on the millions of stars blanketing the sky like diamonds, and mull about how very very tiny and insignificant we really are.

Sounds like I need a holiday in Bali. But must throw phone away.

Hawaii oso can. But seriously must throw phone away.

one art

The art of losing isn't hard to master;
so many things seem filled with the intent
to be lost that their loss is no disaster.

Lose something every day. Accept the fluster
of lost door keys, the hour badly spent.
The art of losing isn't hard to master.

Then practice losing farther, losing faster:
places, and names, and where it was you meant
to travel. None of these will bring disaster.

I lost my mother's watch. And look! my last, or
next-to-last, of three loved houses went.
The art of losing isn't hard to master.

I lost two cities, lovely ones. And, vaster,
some realms I owned, two rivers, a continent.
I miss them, but it wasn't a disaster.

--Even losing you (the joking voice, a gesture
I love) I shan't have lied. It's evident
the art of losing's not too hard to master
though it may look like (Write it!) like disaster.

~ Elisabeth Bishop


Isn't this the saddest poem you've ever heard?

The concept of loss is universal. We have all lost something. Most times we lose small mundane things like keys or glasses or documents. Sometimes, not so very often, we lose something that means so much more - a human relationship, a someone.

Losing things is inevitable, and dare I say, a norm of life. But when you really think about it, nothing truly belongs to us at the end of the day. We came into this world alone, and we leave alone.

So when you lose something, go ahead cry a little, then you stand up again. Learn to let go. Life's too short to be living in their shadow.

the most depressing day of the year

I should have stayed in bed.

What I really really need right now is a drink. Maybe a couple more after that. But I'm still tired still sick so I'm actually grounding myself at home tonight. Total bummer.

It's not something I had not expected or predicted to happen. It's just... well... disappointing that I got it right. It's no fun when you predicted something to go wrong and it actually did. Then you wonder how come the good predictions don't materialise. That's so WRONG.

It's funny you know, this thing about expectations and reality. Being one who doesn't ever discount all possibilities in any situation, I thought I had mentally prepared myself should the outcome be less than rosy. Actually I knew it will not be good. It's just a question of HOW not good. So, if I already knew this was inevitable, and had braced myself for it, why do I then still feel like crap? So much so I don't particularly feel like talking or working at all today. Logically, I should at least be a bit pleased that I actually had such an accurate foresight, eh? No?

Almost 10 months ago, I kinda knew that the "other things I could do with US$360" investment will totally go down the drain. And today I proved myself right.

Damn proud OK.

Gotta go sit on toilet and think think whether I wanna try again.

how to be happy, according to me

I think as humans we tend to worry too much and hence we are often planning. Other times, we rationalise ourselves silly, trying to find out the reason why. We hesitate too often, don't take actions enough.

Let me tell you a secret: Did you realise that while you were preoccupied at planning for the future, the future is playing catch up with you? Oh look, you're actually racing side by side. What have you done last year that you're truly proud of? Can you look back and say "Given a chance to turn back time, I would not have done it any differently"?

I found my mission.

For this new year, let's live in the now! Do what we want to do NOW and STOP telling yourself and others that you have no time. STOP saying things will change for the better next year. If all you ever do is think think think and wish wish wish, how can things possible change in the future? So STOP short changing yourself.

Do it NOW!!

Get a diving licence. Jump off a plane (I mean parachuting, of course). Go after that job you know you'll love. Dress up more, even if you're only going over to a neighbour's house for pizza. Take 2 weeks off and backpack across Eastern Europe, Italy, Russia, Turkey or wherever (the office will not, disappointingly, fall to pieces without you). On the next island holiday, wear that bikini you bought 5 years ago but never worn coz you worry you'd look fat in it. Give more to charity. If it's not life threatening, leave the office by 6pm and make it home to dinner with the family or friends. Do one thing that challenges you and pushes your physical and mental boundary to the limit.

Do it because you want to, not because you have to.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, sometimes it's OK to put yourself first. In our society we are often taught to put others' needs before our own. As adults, we sometimes feel like we have to fufill people's expectations of us because we're all grown up and responsible. And there are just too many people to contend with - family, bosses, peers, society and yes, even ourselves.

It feels like a burden.

Well, you don't have to carry the whole weight of the world on your shoulders all the time, y'know. Let someone else carry it for a change. The world looks different when you're not looking at the ground. I promise.

I realise now that it's the small small things in life that truly matters. Yah yah, I know that's so very passe. From now on, I'm going to do all I can in my power to be as happy as I possibly can, everyday, taking care to avoid being committed to a mental institution.

The best part is, I know it's not going to be hard.

^__^

Happy New Year babes! Have a good GOOD one ahead!!

me and KT

I don't know how to name this post. It's not an album review but I do want people to know how great she is.

Currently in my CD player: KT Tunstall.

I now understand the big fuss over her. I’ve got her CD in my player everyday, at home, at work, playing in a loop. She’s an excellent writer and singer. Very very talented. Whatever she went through writing those songs, I can identify with those emotions. Each and every of her song seemed to be speaking my mind. She's psychic.

How so? Well...

Things has been crap in the past 2 months.

“Under this national rain cloud / I'm getting soaked to the skin / Trying to find my umbrella / But I don't know where to begin / And it's simply irrational weather / I can't even hear myself think / Constantly bailing out water / But still feel like I'm gonna sink” - Under the Weather

I’m trying to resolve it all, one by one, coz sometimes there’s just no rushing things.

“And when I find the controls / I'll go where I like / I'll know where I want to be / But maybe for now I'll stay right here” – Silent Sea

I find it hard to find the rights words to the things I should say and want to say. To him:

“So you think it's funny / That you’ve been calling me all of the time / Everyday / Oh honey, don't want to be following and falling behind / If you're gonna be walking away / And I don't know / Why I wouldn't follow / Wouldn't follow” – Stoppin’ the Love

What I would want someone to say to me:

“Everybody sails alone / But we can travel side by side / Even if you fail / You know that no one really minds” – Heal Over

Well, amidst all that’s happening, I’ve got at least something figured out.

“Suddenly I see / Why the hell it means so much to me” – Suddenly I See

That's my life at the moment, packaged in a neat little CD

All this emo-ness aside, she's really quite good. Worth checking out. Hands down, one of my all time favourites.