insensitive

How do you tell someone he's being an insensitive bastard?? Maybe it'll help if I'm insensitive too.

It shouldn't matter. And it doesn't. But this I have to say:

Just where do you draw the line??

Friendship comes in many varieties. It would be nice if relationships are all black and white but realistically, they're all shades of gray.

Whilst I'm open to the idea of being on speaking terms again, it's not something I would embrace with arms wide open. In fact, I would be very OK if we had stopped talking from that day henceforth. I don't see how it's possible to go back to before but I'm trying to keep an open mind. I do believe it's far easier and less complicated to cut ties. Wash my hands clean just like that.

So for you to go and make me doubt myself, as to why I even bother to try, well, this is why I don't call you anymore. Deep down, I know this will not work out. My heart is just not in it. I have a lot of doubts as to the sustainability of this acquiantenceship and you have done nothing to alleviate it. Sure, we used to talk, but we were never such good friends to begin with. I get along better with the security guards down at my office.

For the moment, to you, I limit the friendship to hi-bye and how's work. If you ask me about my holiday plans or career plans or anything which I feel will give you a too personal glimpse into my private life, I may or may not want to tell you. I'm not obliged to. I will be civil but I will not be radiating with warm rays of sunshine and Care Bear rainbows.

But what are you trying to do here??

Yes, do tell me that you have recently hooked up a nice girlfriend. I will be happy for you. But don't then proceed to complain about not having enough personal time and freedom to do your own things. I heard that one before. You took a long walk around a big bush to hint that I was the root of all that misery once. And to tell me this after saying all that to me makes you a bloody hypocrite. I'm a magnanimous woman, not a saint. I don't know how to feel pity for you.

So your relationship with said girl has evolved pretty quickly. You've met each other's family, extended family, yadda yadda yadda. And what else, you've spent nights at her family home and you don't even sleep at your own place when you do go back home? You don't say. This is really something I don't have to know. It's hardly an appropriate topic for small talk and borders on too much information. Why you felt compelled to share all this with me, I don't know.

I seriously think you're fucking with my mind. It pisses me off big time hearing all your stupid ranting. When I said you're the worst person in the whole world, I truly mean it although it sounded like spoken in jest. My feelings aside, don't you find it very disrespectful to her? How would she feel if she knew the things you told me? For who speaks of their new beloved in such fashion?

I wouldn't want to be her. And I'm glad I no longer wear her shoes.

lose some to win some

3 months notice?? 3 whole months??!! Can I say I don't want it???

Erm.... I can't say I'm estatic. But I don't have a good enuf reason to be upset too. Besides, it's generally accepted as "good news". It's just hard to feel positive when you're sleep deprived, when you've got nothing but work and deadlines on your mind, and every damn dusty thing is getting sucked into your lungs coz the nasal passage is blocked for the past 2 days.

Not feeling very articulate at all.

Today I got called to the boss' room, again. What could it be this time? I scrambled for my notebook and tried my darnest to remember all the key deadlines of projects under my care.

"Here you go, your letter." Oh.

"Heh, I thought you were gonna give me more work."

"Well, that will come. With this, you gotta work harder now." You mean I haven't been working hard enuf?? There must be something in the law that says it's a crime if a person put in an X amount of time in the office. An abnormally excessive X amount.

"But I HAVE been working hard since late last year." OK, on second thoughts I shouldn't have said that. Tongue faster than brain... it's a flaw I cannot fix. I sound like a whiner. She smiled. I wonder what it meant. Is that an acknowledgement? Or a "you'll see" smirk?

All I really really want now is to jet away to some island which is so extremely isolated from civilization that there's no cellular coverage or internet access. Must have DVD player tho coz I'm bringing along my Grey's Anatomy collection. I'll wear only boardshort, bikini top and flip flop all day every day and learn to surf. When I'm hungry I'll walk along the stretch of beach cafes and enter whichever establishment that strikes my fancy. I'll order pina coloda and read Haruki Murakami and Milan Kundera and Kiran Desai. Yes, ALL of them. When night falls, I'll gaze up on the millions of stars blanketing the sky like diamonds, and mull about how very very tiny and insignificant we really are.

Sounds like I need a holiday in Bali. But must throw phone away.

Hawaii oso can. But seriously must throw phone away.

one art

The art of losing isn't hard to master;
so many things seem filled with the intent
to be lost that their loss is no disaster.

Lose something every day. Accept the fluster
of lost door keys, the hour badly spent.
The art of losing isn't hard to master.

Then practice losing farther, losing faster:
places, and names, and where it was you meant
to travel. None of these will bring disaster.

I lost my mother's watch. And look! my last, or
next-to-last, of three loved houses went.
The art of losing isn't hard to master.

I lost two cities, lovely ones. And, vaster,
some realms I owned, two rivers, a continent.
I miss them, but it wasn't a disaster.

--Even losing you (the joking voice, a gesture
I love) I shan't have lied. It's evident
the art of losing's not too hard to master
though it may look like (Write it!) like disaster.

~ Elisabeth Bishop


Isn't this the saddest poem you've ever heard?

The concept of loss is universal. We have all lost something. Most times we lose small mundane things like keys or glasses or documents. Sometimes, not so very often, we lose something that means so much more - a human relationship, a someone.

Losing things is inevitable, and dare I say, a norm of life. But when you really think about it, nothing truly belongs to us at the end of the day. We came into this world alone, and we leave alone.

So when you lose something, go ahead cry a little, then you stand up again. Learn to let go. Life's too short to be living in their shadow.

the most depressing day of the year

I should have stayed in bed.

What I really really need right now is a drink. Maybe a couple more after that. But I'm still tired still sick so I'm actually grounding myself at home tonight. Total bummer.

It's not something I had not expected or predicted to happen. It's just... well... disappointing that I got it right. It's no fun when you predicted something to go wrong and it actually did. Then you wonder how come the good predictions don't materialise. That's so WRONG.

It's funny you know, this thing about expectations and reality. Being one who doesn't ever discount all possibilities in any situation, I thought I had mentally prepared myself should the outcome be less than rosy. Actually I knew it will not be good. It's just a question of HOW not good. So, if I already knew this was inevitable, and had braced myself for it, why do I then still feel like crap? So much so I don't particularly feel like talking or working at all today. Logically, I should at least be a bit pleased that I actually had such an accurate foresight, eh? No?

Almost 10 months ago, I kinda knew that the "other things I could do with US$360" investment will totally go down the drain. And today I proved myself right.

Damn proud OK.

Gotta go sit on toilet and think think whether I wanna try again.

how to be happy, according to me

I think as humans we tend to worry too much and hence we are often planning. Other times, we rationalise ourselves silly, trying to find out the reason why. We hesitate too often, don't take actions enough.

Let me tell you a secret: Did you realise that while you were preoccupied at planning for the future, the future is playing catch up with you? Oh look, you're actually racing side by side. What have you done last year that you're truly proud of? Can you look back and say "Given a chance to turn back time, I would not have done it any differently"?

I found my mission.

For this new year, let's live in the now! Do what we want to do NOW and STOP telling yourself and others that you have no time. STOP saying things will change for the better next year. If all you ever do is think think think and wish wish wish, how can things possible change in the future? So STOP short changing yourself.

Do it NOW!!

Get a diving licence. Jump off a plane (I mean parachuting, of course). Go after that job you know you'll love. Dress up more, even if you're only going over to a neighbour's house for pizza. Take 2 weeks off and backpack across Eastern Europe, Italy, Russia, Turkey or wherever (the office will not, disappointingly, fall to pieces without you). On the next island holiday, wear that bikini you bought 5 years ago but never worn coz you worry you'd look fat in it. Give more to charity. If it's not life threatening, leave the office by 6pm and make it home to dinner with the family or friends. Do one thing that challenges you and pushes your physical and mental boundary to the limit.

Do it because you want to, not because you have to.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, sometimes it's OK to put yourself first. In our society we are often taught to put others' needs before our own. As adults, we sometimes feel like we have to fufill people's expectations of us because we're all grown up and responsible. And there are just too many people to contend with - family, bosses, peers, society and yes, even ourselves.

It feels like a burden.

Well, you don't have to carry the whole weight of the world on your shoulders all the time, y'know. Let someone else carry it for a change. The world looks different when you're not looking at the ground. I promise.

I realise now that it's the small small things in life that truly matters. Yah yah, I know that's so very passe. From now on, I'm going to do all I can in my power to be as happy as I possibly can, everyday, taking care to avoid being committed to a mental institution.

The best part is, I know it's not going to be hard.

^__^

Happy New Year babes! Have a good GOOD one ahead!!