nobody told me it would be this hard

I just read this in the news –

It's very sad to read something like this. I myself am a new mother, about 14 weeks, and I too have struggled with breastfeeding.

I was drafting up a post on breastfeeding before this, but in a slightly different vein. I wanted to document my breastfeeding journey, both the good and bad, the real experience so to speak, so that I could encourage others. But now, I'm not even sure if I should.

Every new mother would've been told or read about how breast milk is best for the baby. If you join a breastfeeding support group on Facebook or elsewhere, you would then get access to many many updates from mothers on (i) that they have successfully exclusively breastfed their child until a year old or older, (ii) posting a picture of milk bottles with a "modest" 15oz acquired through one pumping session on their 3rd day post-partum and then asking the group whether that will be enough for her baby, or (iii) posting a picture of a freezer filled with nothing else but breast milk. While I understand that they're trying to encourage mothers to breastfeed, I sometimes feel these updates are rubbing my failures into my face. It's hard not to take it personally, especially when it hits so close to home.

I don't have a freezer full of breast milk. Whatever I express today will be enough only for tomorrow's feeding.

My baby took mostly formula milk until she's about 4 weeks old and even now she still tops up with some formula milk, depending on how hungry she is.

When anyone asks me whether I'm breastfeeding, I felt I will be judged unfavourably if I told the truth. So I glossed over it.

The first time I tried to pump, I spent 10 minutes and yielded 5 drops of clear yellow liquid. In my humble opinion, that's hardly enough to feed a hungry baby mouse, and I'm not even sure if that baby mouse wants it.

I cried many many times, not because it hurts so much when my baby suckle, but because I felt like giving up and I would be less of a mother for failing to fulfill the most basic of my child's needs.

When the pediatrician asked whether I'm fully breastfeeding, I said no. He asked how much. I said about half half. He gave me a look, as if to say I should try harder. I wanted to hit him, but I said nothing and my little one has a kinder pediatrician now.

Finally, I spoke to friends who are mothers. Many of them struggled with breastfeeding the first time. They also top up with formula milk and has no or little spare supply of frozen breast milk. I realised that I'm not alone in this, that what I went through is more common than I think. But people don't talk about this, about struggles or failures, for fear of being judged. Had I known from the very beginning, I wouldn't have been so hard on myself.

Mothers are not told enough that breastfeeding is not the only way.
Mothers should not be made to feel ashamed or guilty for not breastfeeding.
Mothers should be honest and not only share success stories.
Mothers should not judge other mothers for the choices they make.

After all, the most important thing is our child is growing well and has a happy mother. Whose business is it that you breastfeed or you don't breastfeed? As long as you shower your child with lots of love and care for him/her in the best way possible, does it really matter that you can't or don't breastfeed?

You will still be the best, and only, mummy in your child's eyes.